Sal's Big Fat Blog

Sal's Family Tree Does Not Extend That Far

2009-02-17T21:28:00.004-05:00

Hey pals. It's me. Sal.

Now Sal knows he ain't been around in a while but he felt the need to let all of his fans know somethin' very important.

What Sal wants you to know ain't got nothin' to do wit' his new team (can't say which) though Sal is happier than a cat wit' a pet canary about that. Yep, ol' Sallie got another shot at the bigs and the only thing standin' in his way are two fellas wit' what have to be fake names. Sal is pretty sure those crazy names are just made-up to fool the government or somethin' so Sal should have a job soon...the feds gotta catch up wit' one of them in the next month or so.

Now, Sal knows that - on occasion - he was known to sing "Lazy Sunday" around the clubhouse. That that sketch was crazy funny. Sal still loves it. And Red Vines, too.

At one point in the song Sal would yell "I told you that I love these cupcakes, cousin." Sal would do this because that's how the song goes.

Sometimes Sal did this in the locker room. Sal did this no matter who was around at the time. Sometimes Sal yelled the line directly to people. For laughs. Because it's crazy funny. But the fact that Sal yelled this at someone does not mean that the person in question is necessarily a relative of Sal.

What Sal's tryin' to say is: he is not the cousin of a certain purple-lipped superstar.

So don't be callin' Sal. Sal didn't do no injectin'. Sal don't even know what "Boli" is. Sounds like a made up name for a catcher on the run from the law.

In the meantime, Sal wants you to know he's back. And to you his readers he just wants to say...

...

...

...

...

(Editor's note: Sal took a drink of water here)

...

...

...

...

thank you.

Sal Solemnly Addresses His Fans

2007-06-14T18:21:00.001-04:00

Here's the straight talk comin': Four weeks and seven days ago our GM brought forth, upon this maple syrup-eatin' city, a new catcher, conceived in benchwarmin' and dedicated to the proposition that "all mustaches are not created equal."

Now Sal is engaged in a great designation of assignment, testing whether that maple syrup-eatin' city, or any city so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great ballfield of that designation of assignment. Sal has come to kiss goodbye a portion of it, as a final restin' place for the call-up that died here, that the maple syrup-eatin' city might live. This we may, in all pissed-offness, do. But in a larger sense, we cannot benchwarm, we cannot let balls pass, we cannot bat .045, on this ground. The brave players, livin' and traded, who struggled here, have hallowed it, far above Sal's poor power to the gap. The baseball world will little note, nor long remember what Sal says here; while it can never forget the fu manchu Sal grew here.

It is rather for Sal, the designated for assignment, that he here be dedicated to the great task remainin' before him--that from these honored players we take increased devotion to takin' extra battin' practice--that Sal here highly resolve that these 25 men shall not have lost tons of games in vain, that this maple syrup-eatin' city shall have a new birth of winnin', and that baseball of the bluebirds, by the bluebirds, for the bluebirds shall not perish from the earth.

Sal Hits a New Low

2007-05-29T00:24:00.000-04:00

Hey, folks. Sal realizes he ain't been writin' much lately and he thought he owed you, his loyal readers, an explanation as to why.

See, the other day Sal bottomed out. He did something that he ain't too proud of.

Let's get something out there right away: Sal know he ain't the greatest player in the league, or on his team, or - on some days - in the stands. So Sal has learned to live wit' a bit of jeerin' and fun-makin' and the occasional wisenheimerin' at Sal's expense. But two days ago Sal had enough.

Here's the straight-talk comin': Sal has no problem wit' some jocularizin' from his teammates. It's character buildin'. He also has no problem wit' a little bit of lampoonin' from the fellas on the other team. The umps can tease Sal, the fans can heckle. But one guy...one guy got no right to say stuff to Sal or to mock Sal or to even do a little bit of Sal parodyin'.

And two days ago this guy did it.

He came out of the dugout wit' a fake fu manchu and pillows in his shirt. Then he did some strike-out feignin'. This got Sal steamed. Sal lost control. He beat the guy. Kicked him. Did some bat-bludgeonin'. Then the worst thing happened.

Sal ripped his head off.

This ain't no joke, Pals. Sal did it...and once the authorities catch wind of it, Sal may be headin' for the Big House.

If you don't believe Sal, here are some pictures of his victim.

BEFORE

AFTER

Sal's not sure why he stuck around to take a picture before fleein', but he did. Anyways, if anybody out there is willin' to put up some bail money - let Sal know. Backup catchers don't make as much as some of them other fellas.

Sal Chases Aaron

2007-05-05T11:56:00.000-04:00

Just 708 left to go.

Sal Demonstrates Quiet Dignity and Grace

2007-04-25T17:53:00.001-04:00

Hey, folks. It's your pal, "Big League" Sal.

"Big League" Sal thought his name deserved a little spicin' up, considerin' the excitin' events of the day. You bloggin' types can just keep callin' Sal, Sal, though. You've been with "Big League" Sal through thick and thin, and "Big League" Sal don't forget his friends.

For those of you who haven't been watchin' the wire, "Big League" Sal is sittin' in a Major League clubhouse again! Now, as one of the baseball brethren, Sal certainly doesn't like the fact that he's sittin' here because another guy went down, but when one backstop can't keep stoppin', another backstop will be there to do the stoppin' for him. That's part of the Backstop's Code, and it's somethin' that "Big League" Sal takes very seriously. Plus, "Big League" Sal was hittin' the crap out of the ball down in the Trips and, let's face it, is returnin' to where he belongs.

Now, as "Big League" Sal's sittin' here, waitin' to take some hittin' practice, he can't help but notice the ironicalness of this particular turn of events. Not only is "Big League" Sal returnin' to The Show, but he's returnin' to a place that provides him with plenty of memories. This here city is one of "Big League" Sal's old stompin' grounds. (Nope, Pals, "Big League" Sal's still not spillin' the beans on which stompin' ground it is! It's like a little game "Big League" Sal gets a kick out of playin'!)

So, why is "Big League" Sal so excited to be back here, you ask? The city that went runnin' when Sal went lookin' for a job? Well, Pals, it's really pretty simple.

Here's the straight talk comin': "Big League" Sal is glad to be back playin' on the field he used to do his playin' on because he wants all those guys to kiss his big black butt!

That's right! "Big League" Sal is back to right a wrong. You know what happens when you turn your back on a backstop, folks? He comes back with intentions on hauntin' you.

"Big League" Sal has tried to be cool...buyin' a train, runnin' for public office, pickin' up strange guys and givin' 'em a helpin' hand, but really he's been waitin' for the chance to squat behind that pinstriped plate and take a "Big League" dump on it.

You know the sayin' about payback, Pals? Well, as one of "Big League" Sal's favorite sexually ambiguous performers once sang, "The b#tch is back!"

These guys ain't gonna know what hit (or caught) 'em.

Viva la fu.

Sal Screams in Ecstasy

2007-04-25T10:37:00.000-04:00

Hey, folks.

YEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAA!!!

Sal Corrects A Common, and Unfortunate, Misconception

2007-04-20T21:22:00.000-04:00

Hey, folks. It's your pal, Sal.

Considerin' the way ol' Sallie's been hittin' the ball down in "the Trips" (that's what we sometimes-big-leaguers call Triple A ball), and what's goin' on up there in "the Bigs" (that's what we sometimes-minor-leaguers call the Major Leagues) with one sweet-swingin' third baseman from the Big Apple, Sal feels it's only right to clarify somethin'.

Here's the straight talk comin': Sal always knew that A-Rod was a god among men and should be treated as such. This fuckin' guy is on fire.

Now, some of you readers of this here blog may point to some earlier postin' in reference to A-God. Like this one, or this one.

Really, Sal's a little disappointed in all of you bloggin'-perusin' types. Can't you tell when a guy's tryin' to be ironical? By sayin' those things, Sal was just stressin' how untrue those things really were.

Plus, the idea that those posts were actually about A-God is purely speculatory, since Sal was smart enough to use clever nicknames to get around any potential legal action.

C'mon, Pals. Join Sal in treatin' A-Rod with the clutchy, grit-spittin' respect he deserves.

Sal Celebrates His Peers

2007-04-07T22:29:00.000-04:00

Hey folks. Many of you have been askin' ol' Sallie for an update on how his minor league season is goin' so far. Well, the truth is...

Sal is tearin' it up.

Don't just take Sal's word for it, though - check the stats. Look at that there OPS! Sal is well on his way to breakin' the record.

All of this dominatin' has got Sal to thinkin', though. Why is it that Sal is so crazy good in the minors...and he stinks like mid-summer jockstraps in the majors? Well, the answer is simple.

Sal is a textbook Quadruple-A player.

See this means Sal is just way too good for AAA, but he can't quite cut it in the Show. And Sal ain't alone. There have been many a-Quadruple A-ers over these here years and Sal thinks it's about time we celebrate these fellas. So, Sal has decided to create...

SAL'S BIG FAT QUADRUPLE-A HALL OF FAME

Here are the first few fellas Sal has inducted:

HENSLEY "BAM-BAM" MEULENS

This here fella hit 196 HRs in the minors. But he only managed to hit 15 in the bigs and even big Sallie managed to jack a few more than that.

But, The guy did have a kick-ass nickname goin' for him. Sal wishes he was around to make the Fruity Pebbles jokes. Crazy funny.

GREGG JEFFERIES

Sal wasted a lot of money on all of this here fellas rookie cards.

To be fair, Sal does realize this here fella actually had a pretty good major-league career, battin' .289 and all...but Sal heard all of the hype what with the swingin' underwater and the "hey, who needs Wally Backman" and, again, Sal wasted a lot of money on his cards. So Sal is bitter.

RICKY JORDAN

Continuin' on the "money wasted on rookie cards" trend, this here fella was supposed to be a power hitter but he only hit 9 more taters (Sal means home runs not taters like potatoes, because why would a fella want to hit a potato?) than Sal has so far.

Phillies fans expected more from him just because of his pedigree alone, what with him bein' the son of Ozzie and Harriet.

LAWRENCE "CRASH" DAVIS

This here fella holds the record for most home runs hit in the minors, though for some reason Sal can't find any record of it. Sal has heard rumors that Crash was so upset about not makin' it in the show that he went psycho-nuts and moved to Iowa. Then he built a baseball field where there shoulda been corn, made a comeback wit' the Tigers, and arrested a mobster. The guy's done some stuff.

So that's it. You folks can send in nominations for the next induction ceremony. And keep an eye on big Sallie's OPS.

Sal Has Issued a Proclamation

2007-03-19T18:29:00.000-04:00

Hi, folks. Sal realizes he hasn't written in a while and he apologizes...but recently Sal has had to face some things and he's had to do somethin' that we in baseball call big time decision-makin'.

See, Sal is havin' him a rough Spring Trainin'. As a matter of fact Sal is only 1 for 15 at the plate so far. This has made Sal realize that he just has too many distractions.

Sal must focus.

So ol' Sallie has made several big choices which he will now be relatin' to you in the form of a Proclamation, like one of them fancy politicians.

WHEREAS Sal don't know much about politics and thinkin' about it is hurtin' his battin' average and his head, Sal has decided to drop out of the race for Canadian Prime Minister. This despite the fact that Sal received a whoppin' 91.6% of the vote in his latest poll. Finishin' a distant second was some fella named Dudley Do-Right, who only got 8.3%. Sal admits this may not have been the most scientificatin' of polls, since he took it in the dugout and wrote down the responses on the back of a pack of Big League Chew. Plus, he only had time to ask 24 fellas and one abstained.

WHEREAS Sal seared his foot while withdrawin' from the Prime Minister race after goin' down the Jupiter, Florida Town Hall and settin' his campaign posters on fire and yellin' "Sal withdraws," Sal will not play wit' matches anymore.

WHEREAS he got lots of suggestions and he don't really feel like researchin' anymore, Sal has decided to stop worryin' about it and just make his comin' to bat music "Workin' Man" by RUSH. Only catch is that Sal will insist on them playin' the full 7 minutes and 9 seconds. Also, some of you readers ain't thinkin' straight. About 5 of you suggested that Sal be introduced to Barenaked Ladies. Baseball stadiums need to be family friendly. If there's one thing little kids don't need to see, it's boobs.

WHEREAS Sal recently heard that he might be goin' to the minors, and once there he's gonna become a backup to some guy named Thigpen, and Sal is bitter about this, and since Sal don't know what this here guy looks like, Sal will picture this fella lookin' like this:

WHEREAS Sal is sick of the other fellas in his league makin' fun of him whenever he drafts himself, and since he don't got time to change his lineup every day anyway, Sal will not be playin' fantasy baseball this year. This is also because one of the fellas in the league insisted on addin' WHIP this year, and Sal has heard it is just a short jump from whips to chains. Sal is not into this.

WHEREAS Sal and the other catchers on his team are hittin' like monkey crap this spring, and Sal's new manager (Sal will call him Skipper McFisticuffs) threatened to cut all of them 'cause "he'd get more hits from Roy Campanella," and since this here hurt Sal's feelin's, Sal has decided not to tell Skipper McFisticuffs that Roy Campanella is not only paralyzed, but dead, and there ain't no way he can replace Sal and the other catchers wit' him. Let that big jerk find out on his own.

WHEREAS he's been doin' nothin' but freeloadin' and moochin', Sal has finally decided to send Earl, The Guy What Looks Like Santa back to Denver.

WHEREAS Sal knows what he's best at, he now vows to focus his attention at what henceworth will be know as:

"THE T'REE Bs."

Battin'.
Back-stoppin'.
Bloggin'.

That's it, Pals. Sal guarantees he'll get better now.

PS - "Backstoppin'" is baseball slang for catchin'.

Sal is not a gay.

Sal Cannot Understand How This Makes Sense, Logistically Speaking

2007-02-20T20:34:00.000-05:00

Quick thoughts today, Pals. Sal had to run all day so he's as sore as a jockey wit' the trots and he's gotta get himself to a hot tub.

Sal is confused about somethin'. Namely, this here:

Now, personally, Sal could care less whether or not these two fellas are friends or not. All Sal knows is that he was never asked to join in on their partyin' and merry-makin'. But, there is one thing in this here whole mess that's got Sal confused...and it's this here quote from "B-Rod":

"The reality is there's been a change in the relationship over 14 years and, hopefully, we can just put it behind us...you go from sleeping over at somebody's house five days a week, and now you don't sleep over. It's just not that big of a deal."

OK, now folks, the jokes have already been made so let's ignore what you're all thinkin'...namely this here:

Sal won't make that joke.

But the thought that is really is givin' Sal pause is: how can this be? See, folks...B-Rod used to play in Seattle and Texas. Now those two places are literally really far away from New York. Was B-Rod commutin' to work just to be able to sleep over at El Capitan's house? (Can't use Jeter's real name) That would be a crazy commute. We're talkin' a few thousand miles.

So really...Sal's just wonderin'. Any help is appreciated.

Sal's a softy, though. He really does hope these two fellas work it out.

Sal Is a Glass Half-Full Kind of Fellow

2007-02-15T00:08:00.000-05:00

Hey, folks.

Sal just finished packin' because on Friday pitchers and catchers and Sal have to report for Sal's new team's Spring Trainin'. This is a nerve rackin' time for Sal on accounta he now has to learn his new team's signs. Sal ain't too good wit' signs. He was once crazy embarrassed after he mistook a bunt sign for somethin' much worse. Sal was forced to apologize to his third base coach and pay for the medical bills.

But it ain't all bad news. As a matter of fact, Sal thinks this season is goin' to be great because there are a few other things about this new team that Sal recently discovered.

First off, there's this here "exchange rate" thing in Canada. Seems everything that's worth 1 in the good ol' US of A is worth 1.163 in Canada. This might just be the greatest news ever.

See, this means that simply by crossin' the border, Sal went from a .221 career hitter to a .257 career hitter. This is crazy good - mainly because the guy who is currently ahead of Sal on the depth chart (we'll call him Phillip Jasons) is only a career .254 hitter. Take that, Mr. Myopic. That means he don't see good wit'out glasses.

What is further astoundin' is that this raises Sal's "Fieldin' Percentage" from .988 to an awe-inducin' 1.149. This means that not only does Sal make every play possible wit' no mess ups, but he is also able to field stuff that's hit at other fellas. Sal cannot wait to try it out.

Second thing that has Sal tickled is that he just found out that he now has a teammate named "B.J." Sal thinks this is the funniest thing he has ever heard. What Sal means is: weren't his parents worried about subjectin' this fella to a lifetime of jokes about that TV show wit' the guy and the monkey?

You can't blame people if that's the first thing that pops into their mind! Crazy funny.

Third - and possibily most excitin' - is the final bit of realizin' Sal did. Every spring Sal gets to pick his new "Comin' to bat intro music." It's always a good time, but this year Sal would love for you (his readers) to get involved. Sal wants new intro music that rocks .163 more than regular music.

That's right - Sal is lookin' for 100% Canadian intro music.

So far it's been a struggle. Sal can't come up wit' nothin'. So please, write in and tell Sal about some great Canadian music. He will be very grateful.

PS - no Anne Murray. Sal once tried to use "Snowbird" as his intro and he still hasn't lived it down.

Sal Mourns the Passing of a Legend

2007-01-31T17:51:00.000-05:00

Hi, folks. It's an incredibly depressed Sal.

Now, Sal doesn't enjoy bringin' you folks down - generally Sal is all about cheerin' and merry-makin'. But Sal found somethin' out today that has got him sadder than a frog wit'out wings.

See, news gets up here to this Canada place pretty slow so Sal was a little behind the times. Sal was busy havin' fun wit' Mrs. Sal and the minis, doin' some general Toronto sight seein', when he overheard two Canadian types talkin'. At first Sal only heard bits and pieces but he was able to figure out that they were talkin' about someone dyin'. Someone famous.

Sal heard a little more and he heard about an accident at the Preakness, and somethin' about a broken leg and an infection. Then Sal heard the name.

And Sal wept.

Yes, Pals. Sal is sorry to have inform you of the death of...

Barbarino

Now you're probably as stunned and confused as Sal was. So let Sal explain.

Here's the straight talk comin': apparently this crazy fella decided it would be a good idea to run in the Preakness. Sal doesn't get it. It's no wonder he broke his leg, what with bein' surrounded by all them equines.

Sal finally did manage to calm down a bit, but he's pretty mad at Mrs. Sal now. See, all durin' Sal's mournin', Mrs. Sal kept tellin' him to "calm down" and to "stop carryin' on over an animal."

Sal knows Barbarino was a Scientologist, but that don't make him an animal.

So, Pals, that's the story. If you're up for it, please join Sal in a tribute to Barbarino. Sal will be spendin' the whole day tomorrow wit' a rubber hose up his nose.

Sal is Man Enough to Admit Mistakes

2007-01-26T22:48:00.000-05:00

OK, folks. Sal gives.

In the days and months since Sal wrote this here post, he's been gettin' all kinds of complaints - and he's finally ready to admit that you, his readers, are right.

Here's the straight talk comin': Sal now knows that the Swedish Chef was NOT the only muppet wit' a Fu Manchu. He has since been reminded of the existence of one Sgt. Floyd Pepper:

So, Sal readily admits the kick-ass-ness of Floyd's Fu-Muppet-Chu. Please stop emailin', Sal gets it.

Unless you're Canadian...then candidate Sal wants to hear everythin' you have to say.

Sal Pledges His Allegiance In An Uncomfortably Passionate Way

2007-01-22T17:36:00.000-05:00

Well, looks like everything's worked out, folks.

Ol' Sal was fearin' that, because of that whole "burnin' the passport" incident, he'd have trouble makin' it into Canada in order to experience the wonderment that his new home: Toronto.

Luckily, Sal's agent came through and got Sal a replacement passport that he put right to good use.

As soon as Sal found himself movin' across the border, he decided that he needed to embrace his new nation with open arms. So, Sal did some decision makin' and decided two new things:

1) Sal's new favorite tree is officially "maple."

2) Sal is gonna grab his Canada-experiencin' by the antlers and register to become a Canadian citizen!

Now, Sal knows that this here news is pretty excitin' stuff, and many of you are probably already clappin' your hands. But, there's more. See, folks, Number Two on Sal's decidin' list is only the beginnin'.

Here's the straight-talk comin': Once Sal gets his Canadian citizenship in the mail, he's announcin' a run to be Canadian Prime Minister!

Oh, sure, Sal knows that he's got to form an exploratory committee first, seein' as that's what all these big-wig politician-types do in the States. But, since no politician-type has ever discovered that the people don't want them to run for office, Sal's thinkin' it's all just a formality and that the greatest office in all of Canada is his for the takin'.

Sal hasn't run this by Mrs. Sal and the mini-Sals, but he's pretty sure they'll be lovin' the idea, just like all you folks are probably already celebratin' in your own way.

In fact, Sal is so dedicated to this here idea that he's even startin' to put together some publicizin' materials so that you hockey-lovin' beauties remember to vote for Sal on...

...whenever it is you vote for Prime Minister.

In any case, here's Sal's first crack at his campaign advertisin':

Sal thinks it captures a confident-yet-comfortin' look that's appealin' to the votin' public.

So, remember, folks: "Sal may be a backup catcher on the field, but he's a first-string candidate to be in charge of Canada."

Nice, eh?

Sal Has Designs On His Future

2007-01-21T00:20:00.000-05:00

Hey, folks. Guess who this here guy is?

Here's the straight talk comin': It's a new logo, for a new year, for a new country.

It looks good, eh?

Sal Has Been Forced to Renounce His American Citizenship

2007-01-17T22:05:00.000-05:00

Well, folks - Sal don't know what to say.

As far back as Sal can remember (somewhere in the mid-80s) he's believed in his hero's mantra , which consists of t'ree things: sayin' his prayers, takin' his vitamins, and bein' a Real American. Today, Sal has been forced by livin'-makin' circumstance to give up one of the t'ree.

Sal is no longer an American.

Sal can't tell you how much this here hurts him. This here country is amazin', what wit' George Washington leadin' and Abe Lincoln emancipatin' and Molly Pitcher waterin' and Jesus bein' born. But sometimes a backup catcher has gotta go where the work is, and for big Sallie the work is in this here place:

Anyway, Sal had to start gettin' used to his new maple syrup-eatin', SARs-havin', mountie-lovin' lifestyle. So the first thing Sal took to doin' was renouncin' his US citizenship. See, Sal's pretty sure this here Canada place won't let him in until he's not a US citizen. So, Sal went down to the local town square and set his passport on fire while screamin' "Sal renounces!"

So that's done.

There was only one problem: turns out Sal needed his passport to get into this new country. Sal's agent managed to work the whole thing out, though. Seems even the border guards recognize a kick-ass Fu Manchu when they see it.

Sal's agent was also nervous about Sal renouncin' his citizenship. Why you ask?

Here's the straight talk comin': Sal ain't exactly startin' the season in the majors. He's goin' down to AAA for a while. No big deal - he'll be back in the Show before long (even if it requires personal catchin'). But, Sal doesn't know what his agent is worried about. Turns out, Sal's new team (can't say which one) has their AAA team someplace in Italy, so Sal will be out of the USA anyway.

In summary, Pals: Sal is now a bush-league Canadian. Pretty mind-blowin', eh? (These here crazy foreigners like to say "eh" a lot).

But don't worry - this here guy is the only thing standin' between Sal in the Majors:

Look at them glasses! He's what we in baseball call a "dork."

Sal will be back in no time.

Keep the faith, Pals.

Sal Drops Some Knowledge on Y'all

2007-01-10T21:38:00.000-05:00

OK, folks. Time to for Big Sallie to get serious.

Two days ago, Sal posted a poll askin' you pals a simple question: "If a crazy-psycho lunatic had a gun to your head and told you to pick only one of these here fellas to send to the Hall of Fame, who would you pick?"

Now, a whoppin' eleven of you responded - and the choice was unaninynimo...uninan...unanoymu...all of you voted for Sal. That's eleven more votes than Scott Brosius got on the Hall of Fame ballot. Now - don't get Sal wrong, he's flattered by this...but the real reason he posted this poll was to protect you. Sal wanted to make sure his Pals were safe in any situation.

See, if any of you folks were in said situation and you ended up givin' Sal as your answer - no matter how sound in "Fieldin' Percentage" your choice may be - you would all be dead. Shot-in-the-head-by-a-crazy-psycho-lunatic dead.

Why you ask? Well, the answer is simple.

Here's the straight talk comin': if you are ever in a situation where a crazy psycho-lunatic has a gun to your head and is askin' you pick one fella from a list of fellas to go to the Hall of Fame there is at least an 87% chance that said crazy psycho-lunatic is none other than Gary Sheffield.

See, Sal used to be teammates with Gary (some of the more discriminatin' among you may have recognized him in Sal's Swedish Shef post) and Sal himself was put in this situation many a time.

So please - if you're ever in this situation just answer "Gary Sheffield."

Sal won't take offense.

Sal Demands Recognition

2007-01-08T20:33:00.000-05:00

Hey, folks. Sal's gotta do some unloadin'.

(Editor's note: there was a slight delay here as Sal excused himself and visited the men's room.)

Sorry about that...now Sal's got a different kind of unloadin' to do. See - Sal's been tryin' out a new negotiatin' tactic when it comes to this whole free agency thing and he ain't happy wit' the reaction he's been gettin'.

Sal has decided to sweeten the deal for whichever lucky team signs him. Sal has promised to give said team a huge honor:

Sal has guaranteed that he will wear their cap on his Hall of Fame plaque.

Now several people - including Sal's agent, a bunch of GMs, and Sal's mom - have laughed at this idea when Sal presented it to them. This has Sal confused. He can't understand why this honor would bring the chuckles to these folks instead of teary-eyed expressions of gratitudin'.

So Sal decided to do some number crunchin' to prove these giggle-marys wrong. And guess what? As far as Sal can tell he's already a Hall of Famer.

Let's take a look at a very prominent stat that we in baseball call "Fieldin' Percentage." Here are the "Fieldin' Percentages" of some fellas who are on this year's Hall of Fame Ballot:

Cal Ripken: .977
Tony Gwynn: .987
Mark McGwire: .993
Jack Morris: .965
Goose Gossage: .925
Andre Dawson: .983
Harold Baines: .973
Jose Canseco: .971
Orel Hershiser: .946
Tommy John: .963
Dale Murphy: .980

Now let's look at one other fella:

Sal Fasano: .988

Here's the straight talk comin: while Sal will admit this is a small samplin' the fact remains - Sal's "Fieldin' Percentage" kicks the poop noodles outta these other fellas. Well, all except McGwire anyway and that's probably because he stuck all them needles in his can.

But this ain't enough ammo for ol' Sallie, so he's askin' your help. Sal is postin' a poll down below and he wants you folks to vote. Be honest - Sal don't need no charity. The question is below:

Make the right choice, Pals.

Sal Has Narrowed His Potential Employer List to Twenty-Nine

2007-01-05T22:14:00.000-05:00

Here's the straight talk comin': Sal ain't playin' for Arizona next year.

As the old sayin' goes, Sal ain't interested in openin' old wounds.

Personal catchin'.

Ugh.

Sal Plans To Leave His Heart (And His Train) In San Francisco

2006-12-29T09:49:00.000-05:00

Hey, folks. It's Sal.

Here's hopin' everybody had a great Chrismukahza.

With the New Year right around the corner, Sal's comin' to the realization that somethin' else is right around the corner too: spring trainin'.

Here's the straight talk comin': Sal still don't have a new team to do some catchin' wit' next season. And while toolin' around wit' Mrs. Sal and the mini-Sals on the Fu-Man-Choo-Choo is awesome, Sal can't stop thinkin' about what town he's gonna call home next year.

That's why Sal's attention was grabbed by the balls yesterday when the news came out that one of Sal's colleagues -- we'll call him Big Zito, like he's in the mob -- had signed a monster-freakin'-contract wit' a Bay area team full of really tall people. Sal couldn't believe the money that Big Zito got from this team. It was insane. And it hurt Sal's feelin's.

Why did it hurt Sal's feelin's you ask, Pals? Well, let's not forget that any guy who throws the ball off the mound has got to throw it to somebody whose ass is crouched, uncomfortably, behind the plate for about three hours a night...like Sal. So, how is it that a thrower like Big Zito gets $126 million guaranteed and good ol' Sal has bubkus to show for all his hard work?

Crouchin' ain't easy, folks. Crouchin' ain't easy.

So, considerin' that Sal feels ignored and under-appreciated, he's decided to head out to the Bay area, cross that Golden Gate-thing, and talk to some of the tall people about gettin' some respect in the form of a catchin' job.

Sal even went so far as to call up Big Zito's agent to do some representin' at this meetin', seein' as Big Zito's agent seems to get everybody a crapload of cash to do their playin'.

Sal's still waitin' on a call back.

Don't get Sal wrong, he's not lookin' for Big Zito money. That would be crazy! But when Sal applies his Slidin' Scale of Payin' for Playin', he's thinkin' that a contract somewhere in the range of 3 years, $21 million should do the trick.

Pretty excitin'!

It's so excitin' that when Sal told Mrs. Sal and the Minis about the money that Big Sal was shootin' for they laughed uncontrollably for about 10 minutes.

They probably just didn't know how to react to such staggerin' news. It's a process.

Sal Provides Good Tidings, Merriment, and Earl, the Guy What Looks Like Santa

2006-12-20T21:05:00.000-05:00

Hey, kids. Jingle, jingle, jingle - it's holiday Sal!

So Sal's itinerary has changed a bit. See, Sal was plannin' on chug-a-chuggin' the Fu Man Choo-Choo straight on up to the North Pole this week. He wanted to get the mini-Sals a face to face encounter wit' Jolly Ol' Saint Nick himself, but as the ol' proverb says "no good intention gets by wit'out gettin' kicked in the nuts."

Turns out Sal made the wrong choice when he chug-a-chugged the Fu Man Choo Choo into Denver last week. Sal had this great idea to gain access to this super exclusive club he'd heard a bunch about. Sal's ol' teammates raved about it and kept tellin' ol' Sallie that he and Mrs. Sal needed to get in. So Sal took the family all the way out to Colorado as a surprise.

Long story short: Sal was wrong to think the "Mile High Club" was a fancy-pants Supper Club located in Denver.

So now Sal is snowed in. He can't get outta this city even wit' his high powered locomotive.

But Sal would not be deterred. He wanted to make sure the mini-Sals got to hear from the Big Guy. So Sal embarked on a quest and he trudged out onto the snowy Denver streets.

The first place he saw was called "Get Your Jollies." This was exactly what Sal was hopin' for. What better place to find a Santa?

It was not to be. This here guy was the closest to Santa Sal found there:

This was not the lastin' image of Christmas Sal was hopin' for.

So Sal kept on questin' until he ended up at the local mall, where he met this here guy:

Pals, meet Earl - the guy what looks like Santa.

Earl is a Santa-helper. He is NOT the real deal. But once Sal was able to look past the faint smell of cheese and the flask marked "Merry Juice," he realized Earl would be a great guy to introduce to the kids.

After a quick stop at the Orange Julius, Earl and Sal headed on back to the hotel where the Fasano bunch was stayin'. (To protect Sal's family's whereabouts, we'll just call it the "Motel 5.")

Here's the straight talk comin': the mini-Sals were tickled pink about meetin' Earl. After a few minutes of cryin', the kids sat on ol' Earl's lap and told him what they wanted for Christmas (both Sal, Jr. and Sally Ann asked for chest protectors - Sal teared up wit' pride). Then we sang some songs like Rudolph and Good King Wankylots.

Really, the whole thing was a heart-warmin' Christmas miracle. Only problem is that Earl is still here, on accounta he won't leave. Sal tried to convince Earl that maybe he needed to get back to the mall, but Earl says no dice...he's eatin' too good wit' me and the family.

So Sal decided that, in the spirit of the season, he would let Earl come along on the rest of the trip. It never hurts to be nice to someone who's got the ear of the Big Guy this close to Christmas. Maybe Sal will even find a new team under his tree next week.

Happy Holidays, Pals.

Sal Believes This is a Slippery Slope

2006-12-14T19:33:00.000-05:00

Yep. It's Sal.

Kids, until yesterday, Sal's vacation was goin' great. He was relaxin', he was travelin', he was chug-a-chuggin'. But right around 4PM - through the Fu Man-Choo-Choo's kick-ass wireless connection - Sal saw somethin' that has him "shittin' bricks," as we in baseball call it.

What Sal saw blew his mind. He didn't know what to make of it. Well, enough of the jibber-jabber...here's what Sal saw:

This is the scariest stuff Sal's baby browns ever beheld.

Here's the straight talk comin': Sal now realizes he now has very little time left to earn a livin' in baseball. Let's face it - this here robot made more contact in the 3 minute video than Sal has in 20 years of organized ball. It's only a matter of time before some crazy scientist-type teaches it to squat and tell pitchers to throw fastballs, curveballs, and whatnot.

So, Sal is facin' the future...and he doesn't like what he sees.

Though - truth be told - Sal is really lookin' forward to seein' a live version of this here:

So it ain't all bad.

Sal Has Taken Matters Into His Own Hands

2006-12-05T16:25:00.000-05:00

Hey, folks. Look, it's me. Sal.

So, Sal and Mrs. Sal and the mini-Sals have been havin' a great ol' time lookin' at this beautiful country of ours while travelin' in the fu-man-choo-choo. Let me tell you, this thing can really motor. When the choo-choo gets goin', there's no stoppin' us.

The kids just love all the sounds of the choo-choo, especially that whole "chug-a-chug-a" thing that the wheels do. Sometimes Sal will start "chug-a-chug'in" when the choo-choo isn't even movin', and everybody laughs because it's me and not the train. It's crazy funny.

Irregardless of the fun the Sals are havin', Big Sal thought he should make a special stop on his vacation. He heard that a lot of the guys who make the important decisions about all the baseball teams were meetin' in Florida to discuss all of us players...especially those guys that don't have a team to play for yet. Well...guess who one of those guys is? It's me! Sal!

We took the choo-choo down to Orlando and, as dumbass luck would have it, Disneyworld is right there! So, Sal bought the mini-Sals a couple of them Mickey Mouse hats with the ears and sent them into the Magic Kingdom so that they could frolic. Mrs. Sal went with 'em so my little Mickeys didn't get into trouble.

Sal went over to the hotel where all the important guys were meetin'. Sal figured that he would make a big entrance and make sure that everybody knew that he had arrived. So, Sal put on his best tuxedo, which he keeps with him all the time just in case a moment like this should arise, and walked right in to the lobby.

Here's the straight talk comin': Sal saw lots of guys that he knew...some that he liked too. One guy that Sal likes a lot was there. He's the important guy from Sal's last team, the....gotcha! Didn't think Sal would give it up did ya'? In any case, Sal will call this important guy The Cash Man, seein' as he's got a lot of cash. But talkin' to The Cash Man was another important guy that Sal doesn't like too much. He's the important guy from one of Sal's old teams, and Sal didn't like the way he was treated by him. Sal will call him Mr. Gil-dick.

So, anyways, Sal was about to walk over to all the important guys he could find and ask about a job for next year...you know, catchin'. But before Sal could even get close, people started comin' up to him and sayin' things like, "I'll have a scotch and soda," and "Will you be sure to bring more shrimp cocktail out here?"

Sal didn't know what was goin' on. Why were they askin' Sal these crazy things? They make juice out of shrimp now?

Well, not knowin' what to say, Sal decided the best thing to do was to try and help these people out. So, Sal spent the next five-and-a-half hours runnin' back and forth from the kitchen to the lobby, gettin' whatever anybody needed.

By the time the day was over, Sal was pooped, and he didn't even have a new team that he could do some catchin' with next year.

Long story short, Sal has decided there's only one thing to do: he's gonna get that nice tuxedo of his dry-cleaned, send the mini-Sals and Mrs. Sal to Epcot Center, and head back to that lobby tomorrow.

How can they resist the fu-manchu again?

Sal Feels Slightly Slighted

2006-11-26T23:08:00.000-05:00

OK, kids. It's Sal. And he's got somethin' to say.

Sal feels a bit slighted. Sal's been searchin' the internet lately and he knows there is no shortage of Sal-love out there. In just the past few weeks Sal has been given two prestigious awards: first was the Bruce Chen award and then, more recently, the WSBGMs Play of the Year Award AND - just to top things off - this here guy won best costume at his friend's Halloween party last month:

So you would think with all this happenin' the respect factor for ol' Sallie would be at an all-time high.

Not so.

Here's the straight talk comin': Sal was over at ESPN.com lookin' at their Free Agent Tracker. Take a good look, kids. Notice anyone missin'? Maybe somebody who declared free agency on October 16th? Maybe a backup catcher? Wit' a fu manchu? And a train?

So Sal's a little depressed. And his knees hurt again.

But the Fu Manchu is 13 1/4 centimeters below the lip.

So that's good.

Sal is Back on Track...WOO WOO!!!

2006-11-15T21:58:00.000-05:00

Hi, folks - it's me, Sal. Long time no talk.

Sorry Sal hasn't posted in a while but he's been ass to eyeballs in crazy busy-ness. Sal's not sure if ass to eyeballs is really an expression...but he's goin' wit' it.

First off - the Fu Man-Choo-Choo vacation wit' Mrs. Sal and the mini-Sals is goin' OK, Sal guesses. Things got off to a rough start 'cause somehow Sal managed to get lost on the way to his first stop. Not really sure how that happened since you can't really make a wrong turn in a train but Sal seemed to find a way.

Our first stop was beautiful Kansas City. Sal wanted to visit the place where his baseball career started.

Unfortunately some dumb ass decided it would be a great idea to take two cities that are right next to each other and name them BOTH Kansas City. So Sal ended up in Kansas City, Kansas...and it turns out he played ball in Kansas City, Missouri. Sal was pissed but we ended up meetin' some good folks so it was OK. Sal just hopes no such problems occur at his next stop in Springfield.

In other news - Sal has been fieldin' some comments about the Boston Red Sox givin' up a bunch of money just to talk to a Japanese pitcher. People seem confused by this and they want Sal to join the masses that are shittin' on the Sox. But Sal can't do it.

Here's the straight talk comin': Sal's agent has recently been talkin' wit' some Japanese teams...and they've all been biddin' on the rights to talk to ol' Sallie. Sal is happy to report that the winnin' team has offered 2 million yen just to get Sal to the table. Sal is pumped.

See, Sal only made $425,000 all of last year - and now he gets 2 million yen just to talk? Sal's gonna be honest folks - he just went out and bought his dream car.***

So life is good. Sal promises to write again soon...right after he takes the wife and kids to see who wins the next 30 World Series!

PS - the Fu Manchu is currently 12 centimeters below the lip. Comin' along nicely.

***Editor's note: Soon after Sal submitted this post we were forced to inform him that 2 million yen is roughly equivalent to $17,000. Not bad, but Sal was forced to return the DeLorean. Not to worry because he seemed OK with it, saying only "Goddamn thing did nothin' at 88 anyway."

Sal Blows the Lid Off the Whole Thing

2006-10-28T23:49:00.000-04:00

OK, folks. Sal's got somethin' to say, and he just can't hold it in anymore.

See, Sal was just gonna let it go. But after watchin' the World Series and readin' all of the articles that came afterwards, Sal knew that he just wouldn't be able to sleep at nights if he didn't come clean about what he knows.

First, just take a look at a picture of the fella who was named World Series MVP:

Seems like a scrappy little guy, huh? Someone who got to the majors and excelled the ol' fashioned way, right?

Not by a long shot.

Here's the straight talk comin': Sal played against Eckstein in the minors and the Eckstein that Sal knew looked nothin' like that guy up there. The Eckstein Sal knew looked like this:

See, when Sal first met Eck - he wasn't on the other team's roster. Well, not really, anyway. He was just a "little person" who was brought in by team's owner to play in the game as a publicity stunt. The whole thing was what we in baseball call an "homage" to the old Bill Veeck/Eddie Gaedel gimmick.

Well, wouldn't you know it? In the one at bat he was (supposed) to get, "Li'l Eck" worked himself a walk. This was not too suprisin' since the tiny bastard was 3'2".

But, see, the legend goes that "Baby Eck" got a taste for the game of baseball, and he wasn't ready to walk away after one measly base-on-balls.

Lo and behold, the next time Sal saw "Diminutive David," he was a full time player on that team that was once usin' him like a sideshow exhibit. He had shot up to a freakish 5'7". And his rage was out of control.

Yep - he was lousy wit' HGH.

Eck was so crazy for baseball that he stuck them needles in his can until he had grown over 2 feet. Before the HGH, Eck couldn't even throw the ball to first base. Now, he can get it there in a hop or two.

So, basically, Sal is just sayin' pick your heroes wisely. I know at least 6 or 7 players who ain't cheatin' if anybody needs a suggestion.

One of 'em is a currently unemployed backup catcher.

Who owns a train.

Sal Sees Little Alternative

2006-10-28T00:44:00.000-04:00

Hey, folks. Sal.

Sal has never been one to talk the "bullshit." He's always given you the straight talk. So Sal feels like he's gotta level wit' you when it comes to the free agent life.

Here's the straight talk comin': Sal ain't been gettin' too many nibbles in the free agent market. As a matter of fact not one major league team has inquired as to the availability of Sal's services. Sal's agent did get a call from a Japanese team, but Sal ain't too sure about that because he heard a rumor that Japanese players don't deal wit' mistakes well. As a matter of fact, Sal heard that if one of the Japanese players "dishonors" his team by making an error the rest of the guys grab him and throw him right off the friggin' field. Sal has seen photographic proof:

Anyways, Sal got to thinkin': Sal ain't ready to stop playin' ball yet. So Sal came up wit' a fool-proof plan. Sal is goin' to pattern the rest of career after his hero Al "The Mad Hungarian" Hrabosky.

See, not only did Al have a kick-ass fu manchu, but he was also a left-handed reliever - and if there's one thing Sal knows it's that the easiest way to stick around the majors is to do it as a left-handed reliever.

So Big Sallie is in trainin'. It's gonna be a long haul because not only has Sal never pitched before, but Sal is also right handed. But in-between stops on the Fu Man-Choo-Choo Sal is gonna make his body learn how to be a left handed reliever. He's thinkin' about becomin' one of them submariners. They're crazy funny.

It's gonna take a lot of work, but Sal's not worried. Sal's body is a finely-tuned athletic machine.

Sal Just Can't Hold It In Anymore

2006-10-22T21:38:00.000-04:00

Hi, kids. It's Sal.

A week or so back, ol' Sal teased you a bit about what his vacation plans might be. Sal was plannin' on waitin' for the Series to get done wit' before he told you. See, Sal didn't want to steal any of the thunder from baseball. But, Sal was gettin' a bit anxious - and he just saw Kenny Rogers cheatin' wit' some pine tar on his hand - so Sal figured if baseball was gonna let him get away wit' that stuff then they deserved a bit of de-thunderization.

Sal thought long and hard about what he wanted to do wit' Mrs. Sal and the mini-Sals this offseason. Sal thinks they're as good a family as a backup catcher could ask for, so he wanted to do something really special. I mean just look at these here faces:

That's Mrs. Sal in the middle.

Then on May 2nd (when Sal was still with his ol' team in Pennsylvania) he was talkin' wit' a player on the team he was playin' who we'll call "Dontrelle." Dontrelle told Sal about a recent acquisition that he was already lookin' to get rid of. He called said acquisition "The D-Train."

Here's the straight talk comin': "The D-Train" was a fully operational locomotive-type machine. The kind of machine a back-up catcher could customize and use to take the Fasano bunch across this here wonderful nation for the entire off-season. That's right, ladies and gentlemen: I'd like to introduce you to...

THE FU MAN-CHOO-CHOO

Pretty sweet, huh? Sal did the customizin' all by himself.

Anyways, this is what Sal, Mrs. Sal and the mini-Sals will be doin' this offseason. But no need to worry. Sal made sure the Fu Man-Choo-Choo had a kick-ass wireless connection, so you'll be able to read updates from Sal right here, no matter where he is in this here country.

Talk soon.

Woo-woo!!!

Sal Has Decided to Pass on a Recent Offer

2006-10-17T20:14:00.000-04:00

Hi Folks, it's baseball's newest free agent: Sal.

That's right - after much of what we in baseball call "soul searchin'," Sal has decided to test the free agent market to see what kinda cash teams are willin' to give him, so's Sal can buy stuff for Mrs. Sal and the little Sals.

But Sal wants you to know this decision wasn't just about money.

As you may remember, Sal was recently approached by a fella we called "Baron Von Backspasms" who asked Sal if he would be his 'personal catcher.' Sal was torn. This idea meant Sal would have a job where he was guaranteed a chance to start every 5 days. There was only one problem. And this here problem was the deal breaker.

Sal does not enjoy bein' sexed in his can.

Here's the straight talk comin': Sal actually considered this for a day. Sal wants to play and Sal is willin' to do almost anything to get on the field. Sal even thought he might be able to bend to the Baron wishes.

But then Sal remembered the Baron's nickname.

See - the fella's call the Baron "The Big Unit." I don't know about the non-baseball world, but when we in baseball say someone's got a 'big unit' it means he's swingin' a 54-ounce bat, if you know what Sal means.

So in the end (Sal intends no pun) Sal decided this here idea would just be too painful for him to swallow. Again, Sal wasn't intendin' the pun.

So anyone interested in a backup catcher wit' a little bit of hittin' skills and a willin'ness to grow a fu manchu, give Sal a call. He's willin' to work hard for you. Not like that, though.

Sal Has Received An Indecent Proposal

2006-10-14T11:26:00.000-04:00

Hey, folks. Sal's back.

Sal didn't want to leave you hangin' for too long.

Some people have been askin', "Hey, Sal. What's with the hiatus?" And Sal didn't really know what to say, mainly because he didn't know what "hiatus" meant. But then, Mrs. Sal mentioned that it's like what happened when Sal's favorite TV show, "CopRock" suddenly went off the air a few years back, and then Sal understood.

Really, Sal's been away a few days for two major reasons:

Reason #1: Sal's been puttin' the finishin' touches on his off-season vacation plans! Sal can't talk about 'em just yet, because he hasn't even told Mrs. Sal, or the mini-Sals. But all Sal can say is: "Woo-woo!"

Reason #2: Sal's been readin' the papers every day, waitin' to see if he's on the ol' choppin' block. There's changes comin' to Sal's team (can't say which one!) and Sal has been hopin' to find out if he's "part of the problem, or part of the solution," as they say in the business world. So, really, how can Sal be expected to type when he's readin' so hard?

But enough reasonin'. Here's a weird thing that happened to Sal this week: Sal got a phone call from one of his pitchin' guys the other day. Because Sal can't say his name, we'll call him "Baron von Backspasms." So, anyways, the Baron told Sal that he was hopin' that next year, Sal would be his "personal catcher," seein' as things hadn't gone too well for him lately.

Well, obviously, Sal was more than a little freaked out by this proposition. What was he supposed to say? There was only one option: Sal politely declined the offer.

Here's the straight talk comin': Sal has said it before and he'll say it again: Sal is not a gay.

He wants everybody to live their lives like they want, but "personal catchin'" is not Sal's style.

Baron von Backspasms didn't really understand Sal's concern, and when Sal declined the Baron said to be careful, because if Sal didn't accept the offer he might find himself with nothin' more than a minor league contract next year.

Now, Sal knows what blackmail is, and this sounded a whole helluva lot like blackmail. And if one thing's for sure, Sal doesn't like threats. So, Sal was about to tell the Baron where he could shove his bulgin' disk when...

Sal got to thinkin' about the situation. Goin' back to the minors, or bein' the Baron's "personal catcher"?

See, Sal's always said that bein' in the minors is like sexin' with the same woman all your life...it's awesome for a while, just because you're doin' it, but after too long you start wonderin' what the sexin' is like in the real world.

So, now, Sal is confused. He's got some ponderin' to do. In the end, it comes down to one thing: Who does Sal want to have sex with?

Sal Fears Change

2006-10-09T22:53:00.000-04:00

Hey kids. Sal here.

Sorry Sal didn't write for a little while, but he needed some time to collect his thoughts and come to terms wit' his new reality.

See - Sal's team didn't do too good. In fact they "sucked moose balls," as we in baseball refer to it.

Now, Sal is hearin' some whisperin's of changes that are comin'. This has Sal scared. See, Sal is a free agent. And now it looks like Sal's team might not resign him. Sal doesn't want to move. All this real-estate mumbo jumbo can be a real pain in a backup catcher's can.

This whole thing had Sal so depressed that he tried to drink his cares away. Then he woke up this mornin' with another killer case of veisalgia. When it rains, it friggin' pours.

So Sal isn't happy. It looks like Coach might be gone. And so might 'Swedish Shef' and 'B-Rod.' Actually...Sal won't miss those two too much.

But don't worry, pals. Sal will be OK. Tonight he's gonna start plannin' his family vacation. You can bet you'll hear all about that when you check back here. And you'll get to hear big Sallie's take on the rest of the playoffs.

In the meantime, Sal hopes this will help cheer everybody up:

Sal Believes Others Are Taking Credit for His Ideas

2006-10-07T16:22:00.000-04:00

Hey folks, it's Sal.

Sal is sure that you, his loyal readers, know this but he'll say it anyway: when Sal gets bored, he writes. But what you might not know is that Sal doesn't always write blog-things. Sometimes Sal writes lineups.

Sal likes to tinker.

So yesterday while sittin' in the bullpen Sal wrote out a hypotheoretical lineup. Sal wanted to drop "B-Rod" to 8th and then Sal wanted to get "Milk and Cookies" in the game. So today Sal takes a look at the lineup Coach posted in the dugout and guess what?

Sal has been plagiarized.

The lineup is almost identical to Sal's except for two things:
1) Sal thought it would be funny to write "Purple Lips McPansyass" in the 8th spot instead of "B-Rod's" real name. Coach didn't do that.
2) In Coach's lineup, Sal ain't catchin'.

Sal doesn't want to make stink about the whole thing, but if his team wins Sal would like a little credit. If they don't - Sal had nothin' to do with it.

Sal Puts An On-Going Debate To Rest With Irrefutable Evidence

2006-10-06T19:42:00.000-04:00

Hey, folks. Sal.

So, Sal's here in this place where they're obsessed with cars and with makin' cars, and everything with cars. It's cold, and Sal is doin' his ritual: typin' before the game.

What Sal has to say tonight is kinda important. It's important because Sal doesn't like the perception that some people have about his team (you can't trick Sal...he's still not sayin' which one).

See, it seems that a lot of people like to bash on Sal's guys because they're all "All-Stars" and they all make "millions and millions and millions" of dollars. When the guys lose, they're like, "Hah-hah, those guys who are All-Stars and millionaires can't win," and then when the guys win it's like, "Of course they won, they're All-Stars and millionaires." It's so retarded.

Here's the straight talk comin': Sal is a part of this team and he is not an "All-Star" and he is not a multi-millionaire.

He's not.

Not even close.

Not even by a long shot.

So, Sal guesses, there goes your argument.

Bet that'll shut you people up.

So there.

Now, let's play some ball.

Sal Has Developed Feelings of Platonic Admiration for Another Gentleman

2006-10-04T18:14:00.000-04:00

Hey, folks. Guess who? Sal.

Sal's feelin' pretty good today because his team won its first playoff game - but somethin' happened yesterday that made Sal step back and examine himself.

See - during yesterday's game Sal started to feel some feelin's for another man that Sal had never felt before. Sal wanted to hang out wit' this guy. He wanted to talk wit' him. He even wanted to be him.

Sal has what people call a "man crush."

Now, Sal can't stress enough that this does not make Sal a gay. Sal is NOT a gay.

But, while Sal was watchin' this here guy do his thing, Sal was impressed. This guy was confident. He walked up to the home plate area wit' confidence. And, like always, this here guy really knows how to perform in October.

That's right. Sal has a "man crush" on...

Ronan Tynan.

Sal was confused. What was it about this here fella that had Sal smitten? Was it his voice? Kinda. But that wasn't it. So, Sal went to ask the smartest guy he knows (Moose McKnucklecurve) what he thought the reasonin' was.

Here's what Sal and Moose came up wit':
1) Sal is impressed wit' the way Ronan makes up that bogus first verse to "God Bless America." That is crazy funny. That verse doesn't exist. Ronan just does it to mess wit' the other team's pitcher.

2) Sal is wowed by the way Ronan can walk even though he ain't got no legs.

And most importantly, comes this here scientificatin' equation that Moose came up wit'. Sal is dazzled by Ronan because...

3)

So this made Sal feel much better. Sal is man-crushin' on Ronan because he reminds Sal of Shrek crossed wit' Sloth wearin' glasses. And he's singin' and walkin' wit' no legs.

That's it for now. Sal's gotta take hittin' practice.

Sal is Unsure of How, Exactly, He Should Prepare

2006-10-03T18:08:00.000-04:00

Hey, kids. It's Sal.

It's about 2 hours until Sal is supposed to play in his second playoff game ever. Sal played in one wit' another team 6 years ago but he was kinda like that Moonlight Graham guy in Field of Dreams. Sal went in for defense, but Sal never got to hit.

So Sal has already taken battin' practice. He's gonna go out and have a long toss. He's gonna go out and run sprints (even though other guys laugh at him and yell "Hey, Sal! You're supposed to run.") I guess they don't realize Sal is runnin'.

But here's the straight talk comin': Sal isn't sure any of this here stuff matters. See, Sal is pretty sure he ain't playin' in this game. Or the next one. Or in any of these here playoff games.

So basically none of this hittin' and runnin' and throwin' matters 'cause Sal ain't got a chance of playin' unless his team makes it to the World Series and his coach does one of them fancy pants "double-switchers."

So Sal has decided that this here blog will be his warm-up. He's gonna hide in the clubhouse and type while them other guys are runnin' and such. Sal will take battin' practice, though.

Sal likes to hit.

If this here works and Sal's team wins tonight, expect to see another pre-game message from Sal tomorrow.

Sal's got the superstitions.

Wish Sal luck.

:^{

Crazy funny.

Sal Presents "T'ree Up, T'ree Down wit' Sal." Today's Guest: 'Swedish Shef'

2006-10-01T01:03:00.000-04:00

Hey, folks. Sal again. Today Sal would like to present the second edition of "T'ree Up, T'ree Down wit' Sal," the thing where Sal asks other baseball guys t'ree questions. Today's guest is Gary Sheffield.

Since Gary plays for the same team as Sal, we have to protect his identity, so we'll call him 'Swedish Shef.'

This is not to be confused wit' that crazy funny muppet.

Actually, Sal would love it if Gary was that crazy funny muppet. Sal likes his funny talkin' and mess makin'. Sal wishes he had a teammate like that.

Sal: Swedish Shef, thanks for comin' on "T'ree Up, T'ree Down wit' Sal."

Swedish Shef: What the hell you call me?

Sal: Here's question one comin': Swedish Shef, you been learnin' how to play first base. In fact, you're good enough now that you'll be joinin' Sal on the post-season roster. Are you nervous about playin' first, Swedish Shef?

Swedish Shef: Call me that one more time and I'm gonna slap you in your eye.

Sal: Sal will assume that's a yes. Here's question two comin': Swedish Shef....

(Editor's note: there was a slight delay in the interview here because 'Swedish Shef' slapped Sal in the eye. An ice-pack was applied and Sal is fine.)

Sal: OK, let's try again. Here's question two comin' again: Swe...uh, Shef you have a reputation for acting like what we in baseball call "an asshole."

Swedish Shef: What's your question?

Sal: No question. Here's question three comin': you have a habit of referrin' to Sal as "Fu ManBoobs." Don't you know that Sal has what we in baseball call a "glandular problem?"

Swedish Shef: We 'bout done?

Sal: That's all the time we got for "T'ree Up, T'ree Down wit' Sal." Sorry this was not the usual kind of interviewin' you expect from Sal. Sal hopes you forgive him after watchin' the only muppet wit' a fu manchu.

Crazy funny.

Sal Is Prepared To Share An Intimate Story

2006-09-28T21:59:00.000-04:00

Hey, folks. It's me, Sal.

You know, we have a lotta fun here at the ol' blog. We have laughs and cries, and sometimes Sal is happy, and sometimes he's sad, but whatever Sal is feelin' there's always somethin' you can count on: Sal's got somethin' to say. Today is no different, except Sal's gotta bring the room down a little bit and talk about somethin' pretty serious.

In the brotherhood of sports, there's one thing every guy wants for every other guy, and that's for that guy to stay alive. So, when Sal heard about this football player-guy tryin' to kill himself, it hurt Sal. It hurt him to the core, because Sal doesn't want anybody not to be alive. But what hurt Sal, too, is the fact that hearin' about this near-suicide thing brought Sal back to a dark place. It's a dark place that Sal doesn't like talkin' about much, but because he's comfortable talkin' to all of you, he's gonna share it. Here goes:

Sal's shiverin' just lookin' at that again. That's his dark place, folks. Sal has shared it with you, as promised.

Here's the straight talk comin': A lot of people don't know this, but this event sent Sal spiralin' into a depression that resulted in Sal tryin' to take his own life. See, Sal's a catcher, but that title is a little deceivin', because Sal's gotta do a lot more than just catch the ball. He's got to throw it too. And when a catcher doesn't throw the ball good, it can be demoralizin'. Real demoralizin'.

Sal went back to his hotel room that night and laid awake, wonderin' how he could have thrown that ball directly into the ground. Sal thought of fibs that he could tell the guys to get some of the heat off him like, "That's one of them new double gravity balls they're tryin' out. The double gravity makes the ball go directly into the ground when you throw it." Sal also thought about tellin' the guys that as he was about to throw, he saw a poisonous snake on the ground and he wanted to save everybody in the stadium so he decided to kill it with a baseball.

In the end, Sal knew he couldn't say these things without makin' things worse. So, he decided that maybe the best thing to do was just end his playin' days...if you know what Sal means.

Sal went into the bathroom and looked for some pills. He found the NyQuil that he always had with him just in case he has trouble sleepin' and took like 10 times the recommended dose. Then, he laid back down for his eternal sleep...if you know what Sal means.

Before he knew it though, Sal was up and pacin' around his room. Instead of passing into the next world -- if you know what Sal means -- he was shakin' and throwin' himself up against walls and whatnot. Seems Sal had taken a shitload of DayQuil; not the NyQuil he thought would allow him to "reunite" with Grandpa Salvatore, if you know what Sal means.

Instead of dyin', Sal was runnin'. And runnin'. Runnin' all the way back to Philadelphia from Miami in his underwear. 1207 miles in 16 1/2 hours. That's an amazin' time, in case you didn't know.

By the time the guys had gotten off the plane and back to the stadium, Sal had cleaned the clubhouse, mowed the outfield, repaired the scoreboard and prepared a really delicious 5 course meal for everybody.

It was a very refreshin' run.

But the moral of the story is, that day Sal decided that killin' yourself because of sports is a really bad idea. Not only is killin' yourself a bad idea, but if you don't do it right you could find yourself runnin' up the East Coast in your undies, singin' "Freebird" while people just stare at you. And that's not a whole heck of a lotta fun, no matter how refreshin' that run might be.

Don't kill yourself. Just don't.

Tomorrow's another day. And another throw.

Sal <3s Emoticons

2006-09-26T17:57:00.000-04:00

Hi kids, it's Sal.

Until Sal started writin' this blog, he didn't have much experience with the computers and laptops and whatnot. This thing is a whole new world for ol' Sal. Today, one of Sal's teammates blew the doors off the whole thing.

This guy (we'll call him Moose McKnucklecurve) is crazy smart. He's always doin' crosswords and talkin' books and he even does some of "Honda Japanese's" Sudoku puzzles. He's probably the smartest guy Sal ever met.

Anyway, Moose McKucklecurve has been readin' big Sallie's blog and he told Sal that he should start usin' these things called emoticons. This is when you use some of the puncuation-type things to make a funny face. And Sal means a REALLY funny face. Look at some of these ones Moose taught Sal:

:-) is for happy. It's a happy face.

:-( is for sad. Like when Sal shaved the Fu Manchu.

:-p is for stickin' out the tongue. Like that kid in Little League did right before Sal broke his jaw.

See? This is crazy funny stuff. But this wasn' t the topper.

The next thing Moose did blew Sal's mind.

Moose typed out this thing here:

:^{

Look at that friggin' thing!

It looks exactly like Sal WITH HIS FU MANCHU!

Here's the straight talk comin': this here thing has Sal tickled pink. Sal laughs every time he thinks about it. And you know what else: Sal will never again type an email or a comment without includin' this here thing.

Sal hasn't loved anythin' this much since he bought those Sea Monkeys last year.

So Sal is happy. Only one problem. Sal can't come up with a name. EmotiSal? No. Fasanicon. Nah. Crazy-funny-typed-face? Too long. So Sal would be willin' to take suggestions if you got any. Let Sal know.

:^{

Crazy funny.

Sal Asks That You Refrain From The Mustache Discussion

2006-09-25T21:23:00.002-04:00

Hey, folks. It's me, Sal.

Sal's team's winnin' tonight, and it's winnin' so good that he might actually get in this thing. So, I better be quick, but what Sal's got to say needs sayin'.

Here's the straight talk comin': Sal would really appreciatate it if people stopped talkin' about how his mustache looks like it's growin' longer. Sal was hopin' that nobody would notice that the corners of his 'stache are startin' to work down his chin. But people are startin' to chatter and Sal's gettin' nervous that somebody is gonna get wise to Sal's growth.

See, Sal fancies himself to be like Andy Dufresne, who's a character in one of Sal's favorite movies, The Shawshank Redemption (Sal likes that Morgan Freeman). Anyways, Andy Dufresne digs his way out of prison by scrapin' a handful of dirt off the wall each night, little by little. So, it takes the guy like 25 years to dig out, but he does it without anybody knowin', 'cause nobody notices a handful of dirt disappearin' day by day.

Sal figures that if he grows his 'stache slowly enough, nobody'll notice and before ya' know it the fu will be back. Andy Dufresne-like.

Sal probably shouldn't even by typin' this, but he just needed to be clear. Stop talkin' about the 'stache or you might blow Sal's cover.

You don't want that to happen, do you, folks?

Shhhhhh....

Sal Would Like to Quickly Follow Up on Yesterday's Post

2006-09-22T12:53:00.000-04:00

Hey, kids. Sorry to have worried you. Turns out Big Sallie didn't have SARS. He has made a complete recovery and is ready to get back to playin' some ball.

The trainer said Sal just had to do somethin' called "re-hydratin'." It's a fancy word for drinkin' an assload of water.

Sal was diagnosed with a disease the trainer called "veisalgia" (he wrote it down for Sal) which he tried to look up on Wikipedia, but it kept redirecting him here, so no luck figuring out how Sal caught it. Friggin' Wikipedia never has the info you want.

So, sorry if you worried about Sal. All's OK now.

Sal May Have a Medical Emergency

2006-09-21T12:15:00.000-04:00

Hey, folks. It's Sal here. Gotta level with you. Sal's a bit worried that this might be the last time you hear from him.

You see, Sal is a bit under the weather. And it's scarin' the piss outta him.

Yesterday Sal felt fine. His team (can't mention which one) clinched it's division. Sal was happy, Sal's teammates were happy, life was good. Sal celebrated with some bubbly provided by the owner. And some brewsky, too.

The good times end there.

Sal woke up this mornin' and his head feels like "Johnny D's" did when he smacked into Damian Jackson. That looked like it hurt...but damn it's funny.

Anyways, Sal was confused as to how he could feel so friggin' good last night, only to wake up feelin' like day-old bear crap today. So Sal did a little research and came up with the answer.

Sal has SARS.

Here's the straight talk comin': It seems these hockey-lovin', maple-syrup-eatin', mountie-humpin' people in this here city were lousy with SARS a couple of years ago. And now they've given it to Sal.

Sal passed his concerns onto his trainer today. I don't think the poor guy knew what to do with himself. He only managed a little nervous laughter, and then recommended that Sal drink some Gatorade and "sleep it off." I think this was the only way the guy could tell Sal that there is no known cure or treatment, so Sal should just make himself comfortable.

Sal is off to Tampa now and he hopes he can last the plane ride. Dyin' right before the playoffs is bad, but dyin' right before the playoffs in a foreign country would be worse.

Sal Would Like To Make Something Very Clear

2006-09-19T21:55:00.000-04:00

Hey, folks. It's me, Sal.

So, Sal's up here in this place where they get a kick out of hockey and maple syrup, which is pretty weird as it is, but all anybody can talk about is this freakin' article-thing that some guy at some sports magazine-thing has written about one of my guys.

And since everybody's talkin' about this thing, Sal thought he should talk about it too. As has been established in an earlier postin', we'll call this guy who this guy talks about in this article-thing, "B-Rod."

Now, there's no hidin' that Sal has made it obvious how he feels about "B-Rod," especially when it comes to makin' up hijink-ified photos. But, see, Sal doesn't want to be misunderstood, and he knows all of you on the internets is wonderin' what the heck this is all about. So...

Here's the straight talk comin': Sal is not the mystery guy in this article that had all sortsa bad things to say about "B-Rod."

Sal is not the guy who said that he honestly thinks B-Rod, "might be afraid of the ball."

And Sal ain't the guy who said, "Too much of what he does on the field looks...scripted."

Sal would also like to point out that he did not call B-Rod, "bush league" (that was Curt Schilling); a "hypocrite" (that was Ozzie Guillen); and Sal did not say that B-Rod "can't stand up" to other guys on the team (that was Trot Nixon).

Once, Sal said that B-Rod's "intense face" really made it look like a giant pair of elephant balls were wrapped around his head and chokin' him, but Sal only said that once. And that didn't even make it into this article-thing.

So really, folks, stop pointin' fingers at ol' Sal. He did not say all those hurtful-yet-ridiculously-observant things about "The B" that showed up in this magazine-thing. Absolutely not.

Also, some of you folks have been thinkin' and askin' if Sal is the guy who came up with that really freakin' weird idea to divide up all those folks on that "Survivor" show by their color.

Sal has no comment on that.

Sal Presents "T'ree Up, T'ree Down wit' Sal." Today's Guest: 'Milk & Cookies'

2006-09-18T15:14:00.000-04:00

Hey, folks. Sal again. Today Sal would like to introduce "T'ree Up, T'ree Down wit' Sal." This is when Sal asks other baseball guys t'ree questions. Today's guest is Melky Cabrera.

Since Melky plays for the same team as Sal, we have to protect his identity, so we'll call him 'Milk and Cookies.'

Sal: Milk and Cookies, thanks for comin' on "T'ree Up, T'ree Down wit' Sal."

M&C: Thank you for the talking with asking.

Sal: You talk funny. Sal likes it. Here's question one comin': Milk and Cookies, how do you feel about the return of the other left fielder on our team? Let's call him 'Honda Japanese.'

M&C: Milk and Cookies is very happy to be play the ball even if the ball is not much time for Milk and Cookies.

Sal: Sal still loves your crazy funny talk. Here's question two comin': Milk and Cookies, one of our pitchers - we'll call him Carl Pansyano - ain't pitched hardly at all this year. The first reason was that there was junk in his elbow - this kept him out for months. Then he fell on his can - again months. Then he crashed his car and broke his friggin' ribs. My question is: how long before we can shoot him?

M&C: Milk and Cookies no think dead Carl is good but Milk and Cookies like to meet hi and talk what's up to Carl's girlfriend.

Sal: Seriously, Sal just wet himself. Never learn how to talk English right - you're crazy funny. Here's the last question comin': let's say a certain teammate set up a petition in the clubhouse to get Fu Manchus off the list of banned facial hair. And said petition needed the signature of all 40 guys on the active roster before it could be sent up to the owner. And let's further say that the petition got 39 signatures right now. My question for you, Milk and Cookies, is how long would it take you to get your ass in gear and sign the petition if - hypotheorettically - you were the only guy who didn't sign it?

M&C: Que?

Sal: That's all the time we got for "T'ree Up, T'ree Down Wit' Sal." Thanks for your time, Milk and Cookies.

Sal Is Concerned For His Friend

2006-09-16T17:29:00.000-04:00

Hey, folks.

Sal's a little down in the dumps right now, seein' as his team just dropped a game. But what Sal's really worried abouts'got nothin' to do with him. He's thinkin' about somebody else today; somebody that's in a lot more trouble than him...

Popeye the Sailor Man.

Okay, okay, don't laugh at Sal, folks. I know it seems kinda crazy to worry about some old cartoon character when you're tryin' to make a run at the pennant, but Sal can't help it.

Here's the straight talk comin': Sal grew up lovin' Popeye. He used to get a big kick out of all the Sailor Man's crazy fightin' and singin' and talkin' funny. Sal loved the show so much that one year, for Halloween, he dressed up like J. Willington Wimpy and went around town askin' for hamburgers instead of candy.

It was funny.

But the thing that Sal always knew about Popeye was that if he didn't eat his spinach, he couldn't do his fightin' and he couldn't do his singin'. All he could do was his funny talkin' and, after a while, funny talkin's just not that funny, know what I mean?

So, when Sal heard about this spinach recall thing happenin', he got nervous for Popeye. Is Popeye gonna get Ear-cola virus, or whatever it is? Is he sick right now? And, even if he isn't sick, what's Popeye gonna do if he can't eat his spinach? Bluto's gonna own that town if Popeye's not able to punch his lights out usin' those overgrown spinach-filled forearms of his!

If anybody needs his spinach, it's Popeye. And we all suffer if he doesn't have it. Sure, Poopdeck Pappy's there but, seriously...do you guys think Poopdeck Pappy can do the job that Popeye does?

Nope...exactly.

Anyways, Sal's gotta get to eatin' somethin' (don't worry, it won't be spinach, that would be crazy!) and then get ready for another game. But, Sal just wanted to say that he's thinkin' of Popeye today and hopin' that whatever this spinach-mess is all about we fix it soon.

Sal Does Not Appreciate Hijinks

2006-09-16T00:17:00.000-04:00

Sal's pissed.

The shittin' on continues.

Sal was checkin' his email before goin' to bed (Sal's gotta rest up - four games this weekend) and one of his teammates sent Sal this picture.

Now, Sal can take a joke as good as the next guy but this has gone too far. Especially since the guy who sent this to Sal - we'll call him "B-Rod" - is a fuckin' numb nuts.

Here's the straight talk comin': Sal had plenty of things he could have made fun of "B-Rod" about but Sal said nothin'. Sal didn't make fun of "B-Rod" when he talked about goin' to one of them shrinks or when he cried in the shower after he got booed.

Sal didn't even make fun of "B-Rod's" purple lips.

Fuck that.

This is all Sal has to say:

Sal Does Not Believe Professional Wrestling Is Real

2006-09-15T23:13:00.000-04:00

Hey, folks. Sal again.

I've got somethin' gettin' my craw. How come a guy can't express himself without gettin' shit on?

Here's the straight talk comin': Sal likes to feel comfortable in his uniform. Always has. So, what's the big deal if he's a little choosey about his undershirts? Since when can't a guy wear a "Hulkamania Rules" t-shirt and walk around the clubhouse?

See, it's rainin' tonight and my teammates (and, no, Sal can't say what team) are all loosey-goosey, figurin' we ain't gonna play. Everybody's layin' out, playin' cards, listenin' to their iPods, doin' whatever they like doin'. You know, bein' comfy.

So, anyways, Sal wants to be comfy too, so he takes off his uni, and his jock, and he's psyched to go check out the "Rock Star: Supernova" finale on TiVo (can you believe Lukas won?).

Well, shit, before you know it all the guys are comin' up to Sal and goin', like, "Whatcha gonna do, brother, when Hulkamania runs wild on you?" and then they're flexin' their muscles all different kinda weird ways. And Sal's kina confused until one of my guys (let's call him "Gary The Shef") points at Sal's shirt and says, "White boy's crazy."

Now, Sal is a good teammate, all about the chemistry. But he's a little upset that he's gettin' picked on for wearin' a Hulk Hogan shirt. This shirt preaches what Sal believes, cuz Sal says his prayers and eats his vitamins too.

And Sal likes yellow and red color combinations.

So, I'm kinda mad. Sal hopes he's not gettin' picked on cuz he's the new guy. Sal hopes he's gettin' picked on cuz it's easier to make fun of a t-shirt during a rain delay than the size of some of these guys' schlongs.

Sal Feels He Was Misrepresented

2006-09-14T23:59:00.000-04:00

Hey, folks. Sal is a little angry. Some fruitcake posted this thing about Sal on Wikipedia that says some stuff about Sal that is just not true.

This thing here says that Sal's favorite love song is "Every Rose Has Its Thorn," by Poison. This is what we in baseball call "bullshit."

The truth is that "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" by Poison is Sal's favorite song. NOT Sal's favorite love song.

Here's the straight talk comin': Sal knows what is necessary when tryin' to woo a lady or woman. When you woo, a lady or woman enjoys bein' told what's good about her. She does NOT enjoy bein' told she's great...BUT here's what's wrong with her.

Recently wooed ladies or women like feelin' like a rose. NOT a rose with a thorn. For example, if you were a lady or a woman would you try to woo Sal by sayin', "Hey Sal. You're a great catcher, and you can hit sometimes, too," or, "Sal, you had a great fu manchu. It looked good on your face. But you know what, Sal? There's all this good stuff about you, but you have a big fat can, Sal. It is fat"?

This is not a good way to woo. So Sal does not think "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" by Poison is a love song.

So, please, when wooin' or lookin' for a love song, choose one of Sal's real favorites like, "Love is a Many Splendored Thing" by the Four Aces, or, "I Will Always Love You" by Dolly Parton, or, "Freak'n You" by Jodeci.

One good thing Sal can say about Wikipedia is that somebody took the time to figure out what Sal would look like if his new team (can't mention which one) let him keep his fu manchu. It looks like this:

Sal's Not Whole

2006-09-13T00:25:00.000-04:00

Alright. Sal thought of somethin' that needed sayin'.

Sal misses his fu manchu moustache.

Don't get Sal wrong, he loves playin' with the team he's with now (can't mention the name - they might find out it's me writin' this stuff) but the owner told Sal that there was no dice on his fu manchu.

Here's the straight talk comin': Sal's fu manchu was his signature. This is how folks knew Sal. Look at it up there on the top of the page. That is a real man's piece of facial hair. Now I got this thing like Magnum PI which is OK, 'cause sometimes Sal's buddy, "Johnny D," comes over and pretends to be Higgins. And "Johnny D" is all like, "I got somethin' for you Magnum," and Sal usually plays along.

That's OK, but Sal needs the fu manchu back. Sal feels like somethin' is missin'. And you know what's missin'?

Half of Sal's fuckin' moustache.

Sal's Got Stuff To Say

2006-09-12T23:17:00.000-04:00

Hey, kids. Welcome to big Sal's blog.

Here's the straight talk comin': Sal's got some stuff to say. When you sit on the bench as much as I do you get to thinkin'. So Sal needs an outlet; a place to vent and to think out loud in print. So this is it.

Check back when I got somethin' to say.

Right now, I got nothin'.

I'm feelin OK.

Knees hurt.

If a crazy psycho-lunatic had a gun to your head and told you to pick only one of these here fellas to send to the Hall of Fame, who would you pick?
	Mark McGwire
	Cal Ripken
	Tony Gwynn
	Jack Morris
	Andre Dawson
	Jim Rice
	Gary Sheffield
	Sal Fasano (this here is me)

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